One of my darling little kitties is sick, and I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that he might not live very long.  Yesterday I panicked and rushed home and photographed him until I felt ashamed.  When I stopped taking photos and looked into his eyes, I felt his relief…..like he was saying: “Just love me and please stop taking my photo.”

The hardest thing is that you can’t stop time.  And an even harder thing is that you can’t go back in time…EVEN harder – you can’t bring back the dead.

The pain that comes when I look at these photos is so great – it’s full of so many fresh memories, regrets, and sadness.  My father died over 18 years ago.  I just took out some photos of him to see how it makes me feel.  It’s easier – the feeling is more about happy times, but it’s still sad.

When I’m asked the question: “What do you do for a living?” and I respond: “I’m a photographer.”, I’ve never given it much thought.  I’ve been making my living taking photos for the last eight years.  In light of this recent experience I have mixed feelings.  Part of me wants to shout out to all my friends and family:  “TAKE MORE PHOTOS!”  The other part wants to put my camera away forever and live in the moment. 

I suppose once the pain subsides these photos will mean a great deal to me.  I also want to search every hard drive for every single photo ever taken of my kitty so I can hang onto him as long as I can.

I am humbled.  It is truly an honor to take photos for a living.  I often hear: “There is so much emotion in your photos.”  I can see and feel the emotion in my photos, but I’ve never been able to explain why.  I’m a sap – I feel things that might go unnoticed.  Finding the balance between capturing (the moment) and feeling (the moment) is easy – it’s second nature to me.  Perhaps that’s why I don’t push my clients – its not necessary….it’s important to be in the moment and help make them feel comfortable.

Yesterday my kitty looked at me like he had enough – like, “Mom, it’s time to let go and love me.”   This is probably the most important lesson that I’ve ever learned in my career as a photographer.